Back a few. . .

Months, that is. I couldn't blog about it then. In May and June. It was too close. Too painful. Too deep. Too misunderstood. Too heart wrenching. Too difficult. Too unexplainable. Too confusing. 

But here I am three months later. I've been deepened. Strengthened. Matured. Comforted. There are still many things I don't understand. But I realize I don't have to. Because my Father knows what He has planned for me and I am able to rest in that. 

In May, a few day's after Mother's Day, I found out I was pregnant. For some of you that may have been glorious news. For me it was not. You see, after five Hobb(it)s (the youngest being nearly 3) I was ready to move to the next phase of family life. And there are things we believe God is asking us to do and be part of that cause our hearts to want to be past the infant stage. . .  for mobility's sake. And here I am. Pregnant again. 

There were many tears. Many questions. My heart wanted so badly to accept whatever gift God wanted to send to me. I struggled. I wrestled. My heart begged God to fill me with love. 

I started shopping for maternity clothes hoping I'd get "in the mood". Hoping my heart would find excitement. Hoping I could somehow make myself get ready. It didn't work. 

I ended up at the thrift store with a whole cart full of adorable maternity clothes. But I couldn't bring myself to buy them. Inside my heart screamed, "Why?" It's just not me. When I discover bargains I don't just leave them there. Not this time. I walked away with nothing. 

There were those who listened and loved me.  They let me cry and told me that everything would be ok. They prayed and did battle on my behalf when my spirit was so distraught I could scarcely breathe. 

There were those who misunderstood. They thought I should just get over it. They judged my soul's agony. They offered no comfort. 

Then, in June, two days after our 12th wedding anniversary, I miscarried.

Trying to describe my thoughts, feelings, emotions during that time is nearly impossible. I'd tried so hard to bring myself to acceptance and love and excitement about the pregnancy. And it never came. Was it God's Spirit trying to prepare me? 

I was so relieved to not be pregnant. But what about the guilt? 

We were on family vacation when we lost baby. We were surrounded by people who love us. They cried with us. They prayed for us. They joined us in mourning. We laid baby to rest in a memorial garden created in honor of Daniel's mother who is waiting in the heavenlies. It seemed a good place. 

Somewhere in eternity I shall meet a child whom I will never know here on earth. I feel poorer for not having known him/her. But someday. . . 

There has been a lot of pain. Turmoil. Mixed emotions. I don't know what this experience has to do with the Glory of God. But I know that God is more concerned about His Glory than about my present happiness. 

And so I rest in the fact that somehow this is not about me. God is full of Glory. He is trustworthy. He is the God of all comfort. He knows my frame. He understands that I am just dust. And yet He loves me.