Vulnerability alert: if you don't want to see inside my heart, please stop reading here. My walk with Jesus isn't always pristine (and that isn't His fault). There are times on this blog when I'll open my heart and let you see some of the "messy stuff" God is working at cleaning up inside of me. Today is one of those posts. Don't say I didn't warn you. :o)
I confess. It was a difficult weekend for me. Partly an exhausting flu that plastered me to my bed. Partly emotional exhaustion as I wrestled with things inside that cannot be expressed. There were sleepless nights. There were tears. There was worry and fear and questions that don't have answers. Big things that threatened my very heart. I can't remember when I've ever experienced such blackness in my soul. Last night after Daniel and I spent some long moments in prayer I asked, "Am I the only one who experiences things like this? Does anyone else know what this darkness is like?"
Today the answer came. I should have remembered, but maybe God just wanted to surprise me with it again. I found it in Psalm 40. If you want to read the whole psalm, click HERE.
"I waited patiently and expectantly for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, steadying my steps and establishing my goings. "
And then verses 12 and 13: "For innumerable evils have compassed me about; my iniquities have taken such hold on me that I am not able to look up. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart has failed me and forsaken me. Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me; O Lord, make haste to help me!"
I was overwhelmed! That's exactly how I felt! My iniquities had taken hold of me. I couldn't look up. My heart had failed and forsaken me. I felt like David took the words right out of my mouth. But then verse 13: Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me; O Lord, make haste to help me!
David: the singer, psalm-writer; the rock slinging giant killer; the man who refused to kill his greatest enemy; the king who committed one of the "worst" sins ever; the "man after God's own heart". He knew how it felt to have his very heart fail him and forsake him. But he also knew what to do; he knew to cry out to the Lord for help and deliverance.
So today I'm crying out too. I'm asking God for a deeper repentance. And I'm seeking to delight myself in the Lord so He can place His desires in my heart.
Because at the end of the day it's still all about Him.